Violent Entertainment Enterprises
proudly presents...

in association with
Alvin Fuzzball Cinema

Starring
Melissa DelArmeggio

with
Amy Jo Johnson

Keanu Reeves

and
Tony "Zeus" Lister
as
Gilgamar

[The scene is black as the credits trail away, and it slowly fades into a 
steamy sex scene in a Roman-style bedroom, as a well-muscled young woman and an
older man of perhaps fifty engage in a lively round of passionate lovemaking, 
with the interesting details just barely covered by the silk sheets of the bed 
and their few remaining articles of clothing. After several moments, their 
activity stops, and they lie together in the bed in an embrace.]

       Woman:  I know this isn't the time to talk shop, Governor Maltavias, but
I believe we had an agreement. Something about signing a treaty to end your 
campaigns against my people?

[The man, Governor Maltavias, sits up in bed.]

       G. Maltavias:  Schala... I must say I'm impressed by your unique 
negotiation skills, but you sure know how to kill a moment. Calling me Governor
in bed, bringing up that little thing about the treaty in a time like this... I
take it you weren't satisfied.

[The woman, Schala, also sits up, to face Governor Maltavias directly.]

       Schala:  I'm sorry, but this is very important. You were great. But I'd 
be lying to you if I said that the treaty wasn't my main reason for coming 
here. I need your guarantee that Rome will stop expanding onto my homelands.

[Governor Maltavias dresses partially and stands up from the bed, then turns 
back to the bed, where Schala is also putting on her clothing.]

       G. Maltavias:  And it pains me to turn you down, especially after your 
recent performance... but you know first-hand now how much we Romans enjoy 
sowing our seeds on foreign soil. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave now,
Schala.

       Schala:  You're refusing to sign the treaty?

       G. Maltavias:  Oh, of course it's no fault of yours, except perhaps your 
gullibility... but if it means anything to you, I could recommend your unique 
services to the Emperor if you think you might fare better in his bed.

[Schala stands up, dressed again, and moves to stand between Governor Maltavias
and the door leading out of the room.]

       Schala:  You think I'm just some idiot whore who crawled out of the 
wilderness yesterday, don't you?

       G. Maltavias:  Now what on earth would give me that idea?

       Schala:  You self-serving leper son of a festering pig, you leave me no 
choice but to show you the error of your ways. But before I do, I want you to 
know than I could have taken more pleasure from a stick than I did from you.

[Schala launches into an attack on Governor Maltavias, using a variety of kicks
and martial arts attacks and an equal variety of shrill martial arts cries and 
noises to go with them. Governor Maltavias staggers back, then takes a kick to 
the groin, which causes him to collapse on the floor. Schala picks him up off 
of the floor, scoops him into the air, and turns and bodyslams him through a 
table full of fruits and snacks. She finally hauls him to his feet, then 
finishes him off with a back brain kick. He crumples into an unconscious heap 
on the floor. Schala lays one last kick into his fallen body.]


       Schala:  Fool. I would kill you right now, if I didn't fear that it 
would stir the Roman armies into greater activity. You may not be so lucky in 
the future.

[Schala goes to a nearby window and leaps out.]

[Schala is shown walking through the wilderness with a smaller woman by her 
side, entering a barbarian village.]

       Schala:  We've returned home, Annabelle. Enjoy it now... the Roman 
armies may not leave it standing much longer.

[Annabelle, the smaller woman, stands and looks around the village.]

       Annabelle:  I know, but it's so hard to think that this all might be 
gone in such a short time... I mean, if the Romans destroy our homeland, that 
would be really sad. That would suck... worse than anything. We have to find a 
way to stop them!

       Schala:  Well, first we have to tell the elder the results of my 
diplomatic mission to the governor. That's the--

[Schala pauses as a rock that was thrown from behind hits her in the back of 
the head. An old woman is standing behind her, and picks up another rock to 
throw as Schala turns around.]

       O. Woman:  Slut!!

[The old woman throws the other rock, which Schala gets her hands up in time to
block.]

       O. Woman:  Traitor!! 

       Annabelle:  Hey, that is SO mean!! Stop it!!

       Schala:  What's your problem, woman?

       O. Woman:  You... you have failed to bring peace to us... you gave your 
body to the governor, but you failed to bring a treaty.

       Schala:  What? How did you know that!? I haven't had the chance to tell 
anybody about that yet!

[The old woman hobbles closer.]

       O. Woman:  The gods have told me. They have told me much about you.

       Schala:  I'm no slut, I didn't have sex with the governor for my own 
pleasure. And I don't see how failing to get him to sign the treaty makes me a 
traitor.

       O. Woman:  It is not what you have done, woman... it is what you WILL 
do. The gods tell me much about your life, past, present, and future... and 
they have also told me that you will turn away from your life here to marry the
Roman Emperor of your own will and leave your people at his mercy.

       Schala:  I would NEVER marry the Roman Emperor. He's a hideous pig! I 
would rather die than marry him!!

       O. Woman:  Good... that is fortunate... for that is the only way that 
you can avoid your fate. The gods have spoken to me, and I have learned that it
is your destiny to willingly marry the Roman Emperor, and take the utmost 
delight in crawling into his bed every night, and the only way that you may 
escape this fate is by ending your own life before it can happen.

       Schala:  I don't believe you. How can I know that the gods speak to you 
about my life? How do I know that you don't lie to me!?

       O. Woman:  I can tell you much to prove that I am truly told of your 
life by the gods. I know that your father was a member of a cult who worships 
the very trees of the forest, and that when you were six winters old you 
chopped down a cherry tree... and when he found out he beat you soundly and 
applied the hot irons to your feet.

       Schala:  Any person snoopy enough to pry into my family affairs could 
have learned that. I still think you're lying.

       O. Woman:  Very well. One time, during a journey to Briton, you and 
Annabelle washed your clothing and hung it to dry... then drank wine to keep 
warm and had a little too much. As you sat together drunk and naked by the 
campfire, you glanced at her and realized just how much you'd like to run your 
tongue across her small, firm breasts, slowly down her belly, until--

[Annabelle and Schala exchange a VERY disturbed, embarrassed glance.]

       Schala:  I believe you now. Nobody was with us on that night for miles 
around. That will be enough.

       O. Woman:  I'm not finished. Anyway, after passing her belly, you 
crouched between her legs, licking first one of her inner thighs, then the 
other, slowly, driving her nearly to madness with anticipation--

       Schala:  Shut up!

       O. Woman:  I said I wasn't finished. Be silent and hear what the gods 
have told me. Then, finally, able to wait no longer for fulfillment, you 
plunged your tongue deeply within the moist folds of her--

       Schala:  I said SHUT UP!!

[Schala draws back and knocks the old woman cold with a devastating right 
punch.]

       Annabelle:  I think you just knocked out the few teeth she had left.

       Schala:  I think the gods talk to her TOO MUCH. But she knows things 
that nobody else could know... do I dare to believe that she could be right? 
Could I really marry the Emperor? What kind of soulless creature would I have 
to become to marry that horrible, hideous monster of a man!? She can't be 
right. I'll prove that she's wrong.
       Let's go consult with the elder. I failed to get the treaty, so Rome 
could be attacking at any time.

[Schala and Annabelle continue through the village until they come to a large 
house built out of logs. They step inside, and the camera view shifts to the 
inside of the house. The elder of the barbarian village is waiting for them 
inside, dressed in regalia made of animal furs, teeth, and bones.]

       Elder:  Welcome back, Schala. Did you persuade the governor to sign the 
treaty?

       Schala:  No, I failed. I fear that Rome may attack at any time.

       Annabelle:  Yeah, I'm totally scared that they could just strike at any 
minute. 

       Elder:  My sisters, you must be calm. Our people are warriors. And you 
are our two greatest warriors. We will let Rome come, and with you leading us 
to victory, we will fight them off. 

       Schala:  But I fear it will not be that easy.

       Elder:  It will not be easy. We will fight, and die. Entire families 
will become extinct fighting the Romans. But I believe we can overcome them if 
we fight with all of our hearts. All that is left is for us to prepare for 
their coming and be ready to defend our homes.

[The scene changes to a study in a Roman palace. Governor Maltavias is sitting 
at a desk, when a huge African man in full armor walks in and looks around. 
Governor Maltavias is wearing a wet cloth around his forehead, and he looks a 
little bruised up.]

       G. Maltavias:  You're probably wondering why I called you here, General 
Gilgamar.

[Gilgamar, the huge man in armor, storms up to Maltavias's desk.]

       Gilgamar:  Emperor Diophratius is wondering also. Why do you need the 
elite soldiers of Rome when all that opposes you are pitiful hordes of 
barbarians!?

       G. Maltavias:  One of their number dared to attack me in the safety of 
my own palace. They have become far too bold, and they need to be wiped out 
immediately. My own limited forces would not do for this task. I needed you and
your elite soldiers.

       Gilgamar:  You know I am the mightiest warrior in all of Rome. My might 
and battle prowess are sorely missed in the battlefields of Judea and Gaul, 
Maltavias.

       G. Maltavias:  I realize that. All I need is your assistance in the 
elimination of the barbarian menace. You are free to return to Rome for 
reassignment after solving this one little problem.

       Gilgamar:  Very well. I shall destroy your enemies.

       G. Maltavias:  Excellent. And one personal favor. There is one among 
their number called Schala. She has claimed to be a great warrior. I want you 
to make sure you bring her to the Emperor personally.

       Gilgamar:  Rest assured she will be subdued before my awesome might. My 
soldiers are the greatest army in all of the Empire. No pitiful army of 
barbarians could hope to stand against them... and no WOMAN who calls herself a
warrior could ever hope to defeat me.

       G. Maltavias:  Excellent. The barbarian village is not far to the 
northwest of here. You and your army may depart for it at your earliest 
convenience.

       Gilgamar:  In that case, I shall leave now. May Jupiter bring us 
victory.

       G. Maltavias:  May Jupiter bring you victory, and glory to Rome.

[General Maltavias pours them both goblets of wine, and they toast. Gilgamar 
gulps down his wine and strides out of the room, as General Maltavias lowers 
his glass.]

       G. Maltavias:  That arrogant bitch Schala will pay dearly for daring to 
attack me. The Emperor will have no trouble more trouble in crushing her spirit
than Gilgamar will have in crushing her people.

[The next scene shows Annabelle and Schala in the barbarian village, dueling 
with wooden practice swords. After a few minutes of farfetched, heavily-edited 
swordplay, Schala finally breaks through Annabelle's defenses and catches her 
in the stomach with a blow from the practice sword.]

       Annabelle:  Ouch!! That hurt!!

       Schala:  It would hurt a lot more if it was some Roman soldier with a 
real sword. You need to learn to defend better. The armies from Rome could be 
here any day. 

       Annabelle:  Yeah, right, Schala, it's been two weeks! They know better 
than to come after us!

       Schala:  You can't be sure of that. We need to remain vigilant.

[Suddenly, a barbarian scout runs in from the forest.]

       B. Scout:  The Roman army is attacking! They'll be here any second! Arm 
yourselves!! Arm yourselves!!

[The barbarian scout runs through the village, spreading his message. Schala 
turns to Annabelle and draws her real sword.]

       Schala:  See, I told you so. Get ready, they could be here any second!

       Annabelle:  Okay, okay, this is no time to take an attitude!

[Annabelle draws a real sword as well, and the two of them stand waiting for a 
few moments, before a horde of Roman soldiers and a horde of barbarian soldiers
charge onto the scene from different directions and begin fighting. One soldier
charges up to Annabelle.]

       Soldier:  A woman fighting in a war!? Don't make me laugh. 

       Annabelle:  Yeah, well tell it to my sword, Mister Butt-Ugly!!

[Annabelle and the soldier fight in another incredibly contrived fight scene 
with impossible feats of acrobatics, until finally Annabelle catches the 
soldier off-guard and stabs him through the abdomen.]

       Soldier:  Ouch, my small intestines and liver!!

[The soldier collapses to the ground, dead. Schala notices her friend's 
accomplishment.]

       Schala:  Good job, Annabelle, keep it up!

[A soldier runs forward to Schala.]

       Soldier:  On guard, woman!

       Schala:  So, you want a fight, huh?

       Soldier:  Yeah, you don't look that tough to me! Die, bitch!!

[The soldier and Schala fight, with the usual ridiculous feats of athleticism, 
until Schala takes the soldier out with a slash of her sword.]

       Soldier:  Damn it, now I'm gonna bleed to death!!

[The soldier collapses on the ground. Meanwhile, it seems that the majority of 
the barbarians haven't been doing quite as well as Schala.]

       Schala:  We're not doing so good, Annabelle, but just hang in there!  
...ANNABELLE!?

[Schala notices her friend Annabelle, face down on the ground with a bloody 
welt on the side of her head, with Gilgamar, the huge African general, stepping
over her, carrying a huge iron mace.]

       Gilgamar:  So, you are Schala, the one who calls herself the greatest 
warrior of this tribe. I am Gilgamar, the greatest warrior in the world! I feel
no fear! I feel no pain! I AM INVINCIBLE!!

       Schala:  We'll just see about that, you big oaf. Come on, just try and 
take me down!!

[Gilgamar and Schala fight, with Gilgamar swinging his mace in wide, slow arcs,
and Schala barely dodging it and stepping in for a hit of her own. But Gilgamar
doesn't show any sign of feeling the effects of Schala's blows.]

       Gilgamar:  Give it up, woman!! You and your people are doomed!!

       Schala:  Never!!

[They continue to fight. Gilgamar knocks the sword out of Schala's hands with a
swing of his mace, but Schala kicks the mace out of his hands in the next 
instant. They square off to fight hand-to-hand.]

       Gilgamar:  I don't even need a weapon! I shall crush you with my bare 
hands!!

[Schala ducks out of the way of a punch, then hits Gilgamar with a back brain 
kick, but he does little more than flinch, as she falls to the ground from the 
momentum of her own kick. He picks her up by her neck and holds her in the air 
in a choke lift.]

       Gilgamar:  Foolish woman!! Struggle all you want, for my iron grasp can 
never be broken!!

[Schala struggles frantically, but begins to weaken. Finally, she falls 
motionless, as the last of the barbarian soldiers flee in terror from the 
dominant Roman army. Gilgamar drops her in a lifeless heap to the ground.]

       Gilgamar:  We have won!! Burn the crops!! Loot the village!! Ravage the 
women!! Victory is ours!!

[Gilgamar removes his breastplate and sets it aside. Schala remains unmoving 
on the ground.]

       Gilgamar:  I am certain that the Emperor will want you for a pleasure 
slave, pitiful woman. But as is my right as conqueror, I shall sample your 
services first.

[Schala, semi-conscious at best, can do little more than toss and turn and moan
as Gilgamar lies down on her and rapes her on the forest floor.]

[The scene shown next is the Imperial throne room, where the middle-aged 
mountain of flab known as Emperor Diophratius reclines on a large cushion, 
eating lots of food. He is surrounded by guards, toadies, and various sleazy-
looking politicians, including but not limited to General Gilgamar and Governor
Maltavias. A young, black-haired man is sitting on a cushion in the corner, 
looking uncomfortable and unhappy with the proceedings.]

       E. Diophratius:  Bring me my fool!!

[Two guards leave, and return shortly with the fool, a man in a jester's motley
suit.]

       Fool:  Hello, my lord, it is I, your loyal fool! Allow me to amuse you 
as I juggle five robin eggs without breaking a single one!

[The fool pulls out five robin eggs and begins expertly juggling them. Emperor 
Diophratius picks up a pie from his tray of food and throws it at the fool, 
knocking him on his butt and causing all five eggs to fall to the floor and 
break. The guards roar with laughter.]

       E. Diophratius:  You have broken the eggs. I am not amused!! GUARDS!!

[The guards spring to attention. Two of them stand at the side of the fool as 
he attempts to clean himself off.]

       E. Diophratius:  Throw him to the alligators!

[The guards roar with laughter again. Two of them begin to drag him out of the 
room.]

       Fool:  No! PLEASE!! I promise I'll do better next time!! I--

[The fool is dragged out of the room, and no more is heard from him.]

       E. Diophratius:  Ha! Now THAT was amusing. I shall have to repeat that 
joke with several other fools. Now, I understand that some new royal slaves 
have been brought before me!?

[A shady character in the front of the room steps forward to stand before 
Emperor Diophratius.]

       S. Character:  Yes, Your Imperial Majesty. We have brought you two of 
them, from the barbarian tribes. BRING FORTH THE SLAVES!!

[Some more guards bring in Schala and Annabelle, dressed in rags, and shackled 
at the wrists.]

       E. Diophratius:  Barbarian women? Bah! Why must Persian and African 
slaves be so rare these days that I must settle for northern barbarians!! But I
must not complain, even during the rough times; it does not befit a man of my 
stature.

[Emperor Diophratius stuffs another handful of food into his mouth, half-chews 
it, then swallows it and continues.]

       E. Diophratius:  What are your names!?

[Neither one answers.]

       Guard:  Tell him or we run you through!!

       Annabelle:  My name's Annabelle.

       Schala:  I'm Schala. I promise you, you'll pay for--

[Schala is cut off by the butt of a spear jabbing her in the back.]

       E. Diophratius:  Silence!! You seem to be a mouthy little wench. You 
dare to defy the Emperor!? You will be my newest concubine. Tonight, I will 
violate every opening in your body, and if you cooperate I may decide against 
inventing new openings with a dagger. Then we shall see if you're still so 
proud. Guards!! Take her to my bed chambers. I'll come for her when I'm ready.

       Schala:  I would rather die!!

[Guards grab Schala and begin dragging her away, despite a lot of kicking and 
struggling.]

       E. Diophratius:  We will make arrangements for that once I have grown 
tired of you.

[Schala is dragged away by the guards. Emperor Diophratius turns to Annabelle.]

       Annabelle:  You won't get away with this. I hope she bites your--

       E. Diophratius:  SILENCE!! You... you shall be the new Imperial fool. 
Can you juggle!?

       Annabelle:  Yeah.

       E. Diophratius:  Do you have any experience working with animals?

       Annabelle:  No, not really.

       E. Diophratius:  Excellent. You'll do perfectly. Guards!! Take her to 
the slave chambers until I call for her!!

[Two more guards come and drag Annabelle off. The young man with black hair 
turns to Emperor Diophratius.]

       Y. Man:  Dad, do you have to be such a total dick? I mean, why not be 
cool with the slaves, you know? They might not try to poison you as often if 
you were nice to them and stuff.

       E. Diophratius:  Cassius, this is no time for your nonsense! Shut your 
mouth, boy!!

[Prince Cassius reluctantly sits down. The shady character inches towards the 
door.]

       S. Character:  I'm pleased that you are satisfied with the slaves I have
brought, Your Imperial Majesty. But I think I may retire for the evening. I 
don't feel well.

       E. Diophratius:  GUARDS!! Stop him!!

[Two guards run up and stop the shady character from leaving.]

       S. Character:  My lord, what have I done wrong!?

       E. Diophratius:  Fool, did you think I would not learn of your 
treachery!? One of the virgins that you sold to me last week was not a true 
virgin!!

       S. Character:  No, they were all virgins, Your Imperial Majesty! That 
wasn't it! It was just that one of the eunuchs I sold to you last week was not 
a true eunuch... and I didn't find out until too late, I swear!

       E. Diophratius:  It matters not. Guards! Throw him to the alligators!!

[The guards drag the shady character away, kicking and screaming.]

       S. Character:  No, really, it wasn't my fault!! I didn't know!!

[The shady character is dragged behind closed doors, and is heard from no more.
But the rest of the court has settled down a little bit.]

       E. Diophratius:  Let's not have this silence!! Rejoice!! Tonight is a 
night for feasting and celebration! And I owe it entirely to Maltavias and 
Gilgamar, for destroying the largest of the barbarian hordes that plague my 
lands!! Praise Maltavias and Gilgamar!! Praise Jupiter!! Praise the Empire!!

[Maltavias and Gilgamar raise their goblets and toast their victory, as the 
rest of the people in the room begin cheering.]

[Annabelle is shown sitting by herself in a gray cell with two beds, wearing 
jester's motley and softly singing "Ninety-Nine Tankards of Ale on the Wall" to
herself, when suddenly the door opens and Schala is thrown into the cell with 
her, wearing minimal clothing.]

       Annabelle:  Schala, are you all right?

       Schala:  I just spent three hours playing the Emperor's sick games. What
do you think!? I can tell you one thing, I'm more confident than ever that I'd 
never marry that disgusting beast.

       Annabelle:  We have to get out of here somehow. These people are 
horrible!

       Schala:  Tell me about it. But they're also perverts. I have a plan. 
Help me take off my clothes.

       Annabelle:  Um... okay.

[The camera only shows Schala from the shoulders up, as Annabelle tosses what 
few clothes Schala was once wearing aside.]

       Schala:  Hey, I could use a guard over here!

[A guard comes on to the scene and immediately begins staring at Schala.]

       Guard:  What the hell are you up to!?

       Schala:  The Emperor didn't satisfy me tonight, sir. Could you come in 
here, maybe, so we could have a little fun together?

       Guard:  Ah, what the hell, it's not like the Emperor ever comes down 
here anyway. You got it.

[The guard opens and enters the cell, and Schala lays down on one of the beds, 
as the guard comes in and gets on top of her. Annabelle wastes no time in 
jumping on his back and wrapping the chain from her wrist shackles around his 
neck, then pulling back. As the guard struggles to try to free himself, Schala 
lurches forward and headbutts him in the face several times until he collapses 
into an unconscious heap.]

       Schala:  Get the key and unlock us, quick. We've got some business to 
take care of.

[Annabelle unlocks Schala's hands, then her own.]

       Schala:  Good. And we've got one sword, which means I can fight another 
guard and steal his sword as well.

[Schala dresses again, then grabs the guard's sword and steps out of her cell. 
Together, Schala and Annabelle sneak down the corridors of the Imperial 
dungeons and slave chambers, silently taking out a second guard in the process 
and giving his sword to Annabelle, until they reach a door. Annabelle puts her 
ear up to it.]

       Schala:  Anyone in there?

       Annabelle:  No.

       Schala:  You sure?

       Annabelle:  Yeah. Trust me.

[Schala opens the door and walks forward... bumping right into the towering 
form of Gilgamar. He glares at them menacingly.]

       Gilgamar:  Foolish women!! You would try to escape, would you!? I'll 
give you both a beating to make our first battle seem pleasant!!

[Gilgamar pulls his mace from his belt and swings it. Schala dodges away from 
it, but Annabelle is sent spinning to the ground by a glancing blow from it. A 
brief fight, much like their previous one takes place, until Gilgamar deflects 
one of the incoming blows from Schala's sword, then grabs her and heaves her 
into a corner of the room and charges in after her with an avalanche. But 
instead of the expected crunching sound, there is only an aborted gasp from the
corner, as the tip of the sword pokes through the back of Gilgamar's neck. He 
staggers backwards, his neck impaled by the sword, and collapses to the floor. 
Schala retrieves her sword from his neck as Annabelle begins to pull herself to
her feet.]

       Schala:  You okay?

       Annabelle:  I'll pull through. You?

       Schala:  I'm feeling a lot better, after what I just did to that guy. 
Come on, we're not out of here yet.

[Schala and Annabelle emerge from the dungeons, and stalk through the main 
interior of the palace until they reach the throne room.]

       Annabelle:  Okay, we're here. We know the way out of here now. Let's 
beat it and get away into the forest. Maybe we can warn some of the other 
tribes.

       Schala:  No. We're not finished here. Not yet. The Emperor is going to 
pay for what he did to me, and he's going to pay for what he's doing to our 
people.

       G. Maltavias:  Oh, I doubt that.

[Schala and Annabelle turn around to see Maltavias standing behind them, with a
regiment of palace guards.]

       G. Maltavias:  Look at this. One of the concubines has forged an 
alliance with the royal fool to overthrow the Emperor. Schala, had you been 
smart earlier, you would have thrown yourself upon my mercy and admitted defeat
from the beginning. But now, you'll be killed, and I can assure you, the 
Emperor will use exceptionally painful and creative methods when killing you.

       Schala:  If you had signed the treaty, none of this carnage would have 
happened. But you didn't, and now it's too late. I have already killed 
Gilgamar, Rome's most powerful warrior, and now you're next.

[Schala and Annabelle spring into action against the guards, who lose a lengthy
battle without even seriously wounding Schala or Annabelle despite an eight-to-
one advantage in numbers, thier superior armor, and the fact that they are 
professional soldiers. This owes primarily to the habit that the guards have of
attacking Schala and Annabelle's weapons instead of their bodies, and the fact 
that Schala and Annabelle need not obey the laws of physics when executing many
of their acrobatic combat maneuvers. Soon only Maltavias is left; for some 
reason he was dumb enough to stand around even as the last guard fell.]

       G. Maltavias:  Uh-oh.

[Schala charges at Maltavias and brings her sword down violently on him, 
sending him to the palace floor in a bloody, lifeless heap with a single blow.]

       Annabelle:  Good going, Schala. That'll teach him to slaughter our 
kinsmen!

       Schala:  Yes, but if we don't stop the Emperor, this will just make him 
mad, and he'll send even more armies to wipe out our people. Besides, I owe 
him.

[Schala and Annabelle creep through the palace until reaching a big, golden 
door, which can only be the entrance to the Emperor's chambers. They open it, 
and sure enough, Emperor Diophratius is inside, arguing with his son, Prince 
Cassius.]

       E. Diophratius:  For the last time, Cassius, don't worry about it and--

[The Emperor breaks off his sentence and drops his jaw upon seeing Schala and 
Annabelle.]

       Schala:  Hello, Your Imperial Majesty. I didn't get enough of you 
earlier tonight... now I'm back for a piece of your ass.

       E. Diophratius:  By Jupiter... I can't believe this!? Where are the 
guards!? Where is Gilgamar!?

[Schala draws her sword and grins evilly.]

       Schala:  Don't worry, Your Imperial Majesty, you'll be joining them 
shortly.

       E. Diophratius:  Cassius, I'll hold them off, go get more guards!! Call 
for reinforcements!!

[Prince Cassius turns to his father.]

       P. Cassius:  No, dad. You've turned into a major jerk, and I think 
everybody in Rome is tired of your bogus crap. You've lost your mind, man... 
you're always being all mean and stuff... so I've got to put a stop to it. 
Besides, I'm not greedy or anything, but if you die, I get to be Emperor, and 
that's pretty cool because I won't be pulling this messed-up crap that you 
always are.

[Cassius and Annabelle draw swords and begin advancing on Emperor Diophratius.]

       Schala:  No. This is MY fight. Let me take him.

[Schala rushes Emperor Diophratius, who draws his sword and begins dueling with
her. Emperor Diophratius fights pretty well for an out-of-shape middle-aged fat
man, but, as usual, eventually Schala overcomes him through her unrealistic and
ludicrous athleticism and poorly-choreographed battle, and runs him through.]

       Schala:  Take your soul to hell where it will be welcomed.

[The Emperor collapses and dies. Annabelle rushes up to Prince Cassius and 
holds her sword to his neck.]

       Annabelle:  You're next, Prince Charming.

       Schala:  No. Let him live. He's not like his father. 

       P. Cassius:  Yeah... I'm not a total jerk like that old geezer was. 
Listen, I'm majorly sorry for everything that happened, it seems like everyone 
in Rome has been acting like complete dicks, and I just want to tell you that 
I'm gonna make it all not like that when I'm Emperor.

       Schala:  It will be a pleasure to see you on the throne as Emperor, 
Cassius.

       P. Cassius:  Oh, for sure. I mean, I think that this is a totally cool 
opportunity for Romans and non-Romans to live together in piece or something. 
Man, I'm sorry again for the way you two chicks got screwed around, it was 
bogus and not cool, and if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, I'm 
all ears.

       Schala:  You say that Romans and non-Romans can live together in peace? 
I want you to prove it.

       P. Cassius:  Oh, absolutely. Just tell me how.

       Schala:  Marry me.

       P. Cassius:  It would be an honor, warrior chick.

[Cassius and Schala embrace each other, and kiss deeply...]

[...and the camera cuts to a similar kiss at their wedding, where Romans and 
members of the barbarian tribes have gathered alike to celebrate. Annabelle, 
dressed as a bridesmaid, is teary-eyed, as Emperor Cassius and Empress Schala 
stare into each other's eyes lovingly. Even the old lady is there, and she 
steps forward.]

       O. Woman:  See, I told you you'd marry the Roman Emperor willingly! I'm 
just glad it turned out this well. Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right... 
there you were, kneeling between her legs and giving her the greatest pleasure 
any woman could receive. Her juices started flowing like an overturned pot of 
honey, covering your tongue and--

[The old woman is cut off as Schala steps forward and cold-cocks her again.]

       E. Cassius:  Take that, old chick!!

[Everyone assembled at the wedding shares a hearty laugh as the scene fades to 
black and the credits begin rolling...]

Credits:

Schala........................................................Melissa DelArmeggio
Annabelle...................................................Amy Jo Johnson
Prince Cassius............................................Keanu Reeves
Gilgamar....................................................Tony "Zeus" Lister
Everyone Else............................................A bunch of amateurs you've never heard of

Written by: Jesse Day
Edited by: Jesse Day
Directed by: Jesse Day
Funded by: Jesse Day
Graphics by: Jesse Day
Catered by: Jesse Day
Dolly Grip: I don't play with dollies.
Special Thanks to: Jesse Day