proudly presents...
Waste-of-Time:
Welcome to the Waste-of-Time, the pre-game show for VCW's pay-per-view events that offers absolutely nothing meaningful!! We've still got a half-hour to kill until the pay-per-view comes on, and even though we know you LOVE seeing great VCW action, some of you haven't ordered the pay-per-view yet. You've got a half-hour to correct this tragic mistake, my friends. And if you've already ordered Spontaneous Combustion, we invite you to sit back, crack open a beer, wait for the pizza to get there, call your friends and tell them to order Spontaneous Combustion 2000, and enjoy some terrible wrestling in the least exciting pre-game show in television today, the Waste-of-Time!!
We've got a great show planned for
you tonight, coming out of the Key Arena in Washington tonight,
but what's coming up in the next pointless half-hour won't be
great. But let's not focus on that right now... let's take you to
the ring as Russel "The Muscle" Taylor and the Super
Giant Ninja face off against the Middle-Aged Outlaws, Hunk
Higgins and Ruby Richard Cage!! It's a pay-per-view quality
match... only not!!
Middle-Aged Outlaws
vs.
Russel "The Muscle" Taylor/Super Giant Ninja
Ruby Richard Cage starts off in there with Russel Taylor. Russel whips Cage out of a lockup, into the ropes, and kills a lot of time with duck-downs and leapfrogs before Ruby Richard Cage finally goes down to a shoulderblock. Russel Taylor runs into the ropes and hits a clothesline. There's another one. And another one. The Ultimate Warrior must be proud. Russel Taylor with a Gorilla Press... no, wait! The clumsy oaf just dropped Ruby Richard Cage behind him! Ruby Richard Cage lands on his feet! Russel Taylor turns around... RUBY CUTTER! RU... no, wait he hasn't got it hooked on right... yeah, that's it, tuck your head in there, Russel... okay, now he's got it, RUBY CUTTER!! Russel Taylor is down! So is Ruby Richard Cage! Who can make the tag first!?
Russel Taylor inches towards his corner... Ruby Richard Cage is crawling to his corner... tag made, here comes the Super Giant Ninja, and here comes Hunk Higgins for the lukewarm tag! Ninja's attempt at a chop is blocked! Big right hands from Hunk Higgins! The Ninja goes off the ropes... BIG FOOT! The ninja is staggered! Hunk Higgins is motioning that he's going to slam the Super Giant Ninja! He goes for the pickup... HE'S GOT HIM U... eeeewww, did his back just make that crunching noise, or did a fan step on some nachos next to a microphone!? Ninja falls on top, James Applebee makes the count...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Ruby Richard Cage makes the save!! That should have been it! After all, we shouldn't have to watch any more of this crap! Ninja kick to the face hits a whole lot of air, but down goes Hunk Higgins nonetheless. Legdrop from the Ninja! Hunk Higgins just got hit with his own move! Ninja makes the tag, and here comes Russel the Muscle! Russel Taylor starts laying in those Billy Gunn-style right hands right across the face of Hunk Higgins! Russel hits the ropes... clothesline! And another clothesline! And another clothesline... and yet another clothesline... sheesh... oh, wait, there's an elbowdrop! Elbowdrop by Russel Taylor, and he goes for the cover! James Applebee with the count...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Kickout!! Kickout at two and a half by Hunk Higgins! This is still anybody's match, not that anybody in their right mind would want it. Russel Taylor begins stomping on the mat, and clapping his hands... oh no, he's shouting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" to the crowd! Wait, a little kid is chanting along with him... oh, never mind, that guy in the Rob Solomon T-shirt just whacked him in the back of the head to shut him up. Back to the match, even though the crowd is more interesting (hey, that lady looks like a moose! ... oh, right, sorry), Russel Taylor with a running shoulderblock, and down goes Hunk Higgins. Russel Taylor pulls him up... wait, this looks li... yes, the POWER BOMB! Russel the Muscle lifts Hunk Higgins and... no, not on his HEA... whew, that was close, Russel Taylor nearly executed the D-Lo Bomb '99, but instead it's just the Power Bomb. Here's the cover, Higgins isn't moving...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Kickout WITH AUTHORITY at two!! Hunk Higgins is Hunking Up! He's breathing hard! His nostrils are flaring! Eew, look at that huge wad of snot! Does he even realize that's hanging right there!? For God sakes, get a tissue into the ring NOW! Oh, back to the match. Punch by Russel Taylor blocked! Hunk Higgins with a punch! A second punch! A third punch! Russel Taylor is reeling! Russel Taylor whipped into the ropes... BIG BOOT!! And he's calling for it! He's bringing this one home! Off the ropes... BIG LEG DROP!! This one's over!!
ONE!! Here comes the Super Giant Ninja! He's going to try to save this one! Wait, Ruby Richard Cage in as well!!
TWO!! Ruby Richard Cage ducks the elbow... RUBY CUTTER! Ruby Cutter on the Ninja and...
THREE!! The Middle-Aged Outlaws win!! Hit "Smells Like Nirvana" by Wierd Al Yankovic, and let the posing begin!! God, that was what, four or five minutes of my life that I'll never get back!? Waitaminute, by the looks of this video package, the actual show is starting, and not a moment too soon...
The
Middle-Aged Outlaws defeated Russel Taylor and the Super Giant
Ninja when Higgins pinned Russel the Muscle with the Big Leg Drop
in 0:03:59.
Rating: -**
proudly presents...
LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW!!
Welcome, everyone, to Spontaneous Combustion! We're all set to tear down the house with some great wrestling action! In fact, we're ready to start right now, with our opening match, where Jeff Wright takes on an unannounced opponent. There have been a lot of mystery opponents lately, both on this card and last week. Let's just hope this one isn't Greg "The Hammer" Valentine again.
"Down" by 311 kicks in on the sound system, and here comes Jeff Wright. He's smiling, slapping hands with the fans... but let's face it, he doesn't have all that much to smile about lately. He hasn't found much success since splitting from Brian Rivera; in fact, before Brian Rivera was taken out by an unfortunate neck injury, he was looking like the one who had carried the Annihilators. Jeff Wright could sure use a win over whoever this is, and a loss tonight after several previous losses might be the final nail in the coffin of Jeff Wright's bright future as a singles competitor.
Jeff Wright is rolling his shoulders, stretching, waiting, and watching the entrance... "Brackish" by Kittie begins playing... and who the hell could this be? The lights dim... shapely legs, leather jacket, wildly unkempt black hair... REBECCA BLACK!! Rebecca Black is back! And SHE is the mystery opponent for Jeff Wright!? She's got a microphone...
R. Black: I'm back, everyone. Miss me?
Mild pop from the crowd, some boos too... they don't really know what to make of this. Neither does Jeff Wright, who's just staring wordlessly. Hey, I don't blame him. I'm staring too...
R. Black: Well, you don't have to miss me any longer, because I'm back. Once again, I can fill your fantasies as you sit in front of the TV screen and jack off, wishing that your zit-covered face and fat, bloated body weren't too ugly to get a real woman to fuck you. But I hope you won't get too insanely jealous when you see me with somebody else... because I have to tell you right now, I'm already taken.
In these past few months, I was back at my dad's training school in Spain, brushing up on my skills and making grown men cry... and I found someone who has a lot of qualities that I like. Someone who doesn't take shit from anybody, even my dad. Someone who gets off on taking some bitch like Jeff Wright in there and messing him up. Someone who has an eight-inch dick and knows how to use it. You might not have heard of Lorenzo Vasquez, the Barcelona Assassin... but I promise you, you'll soon wish things had stayed that way. -
"Kiss My Ass" by Ted Nugent begins playing, and here he comes... yep, this is Rebecca's boyfriend, all right. Tattered cutoff denim shorts, GABRIEL BLACK DOES NOT LOSE T-shirt that looks like it's been to hell and back, tattooed arms, face covered in piercings and about three days worth of stubble, and curly, wild brown hair... this is him, all right. He grabs Rebecca for a big, slobbery kiss, then grabs the microphone as the crowd gives him a modest round of boos.
L. Vasquez: Shut up! I'm not in a real good mood today, and you stupid motherfuckers are making it worse. Just because I could beat any one of your asses, just because I'm the one with the hot babe and your the one with the fat bimbo and the mortgage three months due on your trailer, that's no reason to boo me! You want a reason to boo, I'll give you a reason to boo in a little bit with what I do to that punk in the ring.
Jeff Wright, huh? What the HELL am I doing making my debut against this asshole? I tried to tell the front office, I'm the standout prospect from "Superstar" Sean Black's wrestling school, and I want a BIG debut. So what do they give me!? Am I tearing down the fucking house against Troy or Gabriel in the main event? Hell, do I even get a shot at that faggot Julian Page and his Intercontinental Title!? No, they put me up here against this no-talent, no-heat cocksucker in the opening match, jerking the fucking curtain! Why the hell do I have to wrestle him!? Everybody with a modem already knows I'm going over tonight, because his fucking contract's up, so what the hell's the point!?
WHAT? He didn't just say what I think he did... did he? The crowd is shocked, booing him out of the building, and even without a microphone you can hear Jeff Wright scream "What the fuck are you doing!?". This just makes no sense! If you're getting to debut on pay-per-view in VCW, and you have connections with Sean Black to make sure your career takes off, then why the HELL do you shoot and spoil your own debut match!? Rebecca and Lorenzo have ear-to-ear grins... they're loving this.
L. Vasquez: Oh, wait... I'm sorry. Did I say something I shouldn't have? Tell you what, just to keep things unpredictable I might just go in there and lay down for him. Naah, that's just dumb. Tell you what, I'll just go in there, Jeff, shake your hand, and we'll have a nice little-old school ho-down, and we'll all just pretend we didn't hear any of that.
Lorenzo Vasquez is headed to the ring, and Jeff Wright looks pretty ticked off. I don't think we're getting a handshake and a good clean wrestling match tonight, but here comes Lorenzo to the ring...
"The Barcelona
Assassin"
Lorenzo Vasquez
w/Rebecca Black
vs.
Jeff Wright
Jeff Wright looks ready to kill, but Lorenzo's just smiling, almost like he's trying to be good-natured. Lorenzo Vasquez extends his hand for the pre-match handshake... and Jeff Wright wasn't born yesterday, and he's not taking it. Lorenzo Vasquez is pleading with him now. "Come on, I really want to shake your hand!" Give me a break. Jeff Wright won't have any of it, and lets him know with that upraised middle finger. Wait a minute... Lorenzo has Jerry Rogers, and what the hell is this? He's asking Jerry Rogers to MAKE Jeff Wright shake his hand!? Jeff Wright looks like he's had about enough, and I guess he's finally extending his hand just to shut him up. Lorenzo takes the handshake... hmm, no sudden kick to the midsection... and SPITS RIGHT IN HIS FACE!
Jeff Wright can't believe it, and quite frankly neither can I as Vasquez turns around and shares a laugh with Rebecca Black, completely ignoring Jeff Wright and the loudly booing fans. That stupid move gets the response it deserves, as Jeff Wright jumps him from behind and begins hammering him. Lorenzo Vasquez whipped into the ropes... Jeff Wright ducks a clothesline... and kicks him square in the chest with a dropkick! Down goes Vasquez, and Jeff Wright's on him with an elbowdrop to the back. They're getting up, and Jeff Wright lays in a few more clubbing forearms to the back. Lorenzo staggers forward, slumped over... Jeff Wright off the ropes, and a weak-ass Chris Jericho-style bulldog follows. Jeff Wright back up, and he runs into the ropes as Vasquez gets up... and Vasquez is back down after a clothesline! Jeff Wright picks him up again, and now drills him in the back with a few more forearm smashes. Lorenzo Vasquez whipped into the turnbuckle, and staggers out... Jeff Wright catches him off the ropes with a clothesline, sending him back down. Jeff Wright off the ropes again, and he hits another clothesline as Vasquez gets up... and here's a third clothesline. Did he take notes from the Russel Taylor match or something?
Jeff Wright tosses him out of the ring, and here comes the brawling. Lorenzo Vasquez takes a few punches, then a whip into the guardrail back-first. A few more punches, then he goes headfirst into the ringpost. Here they come, and Jeff Wright slams his head into the announcer's table a few times. Wait, here comes Rebecca... Jerry Rogers is warning her not to do anything illegal... wait, she just pinched Jeff Wright's butt! Rebecca Black just copped a feel on Jeff Wright, and his attention is now on her. He's admonishing her, but still smiling a little... wait, he... ouch! He's not smiling anymore... Lorenzo Vasquez just drove him head and shoulder first into the steel steps! Now Lorenzo has his right arm... and he wraps it around the ringpost! He hauls auls it up... and brings it down across the ringsteps elbow-first! Jeff Wright's arm is in pain, and Lorenzo Vasquez has a smile on his face, obviously enjoying this.
Jeff Wright gets rolled into the ring, and here comes an arm grapevine by Lorenzo Vasquez... no, Jeff Wright turns out of it, make that a wristlock from behind by Jeff Wright... no, wait, make that a backward kick between the legs from Vasquez. Jeff Wright doubles over, his hands curled up between his legs... at least until Lorenzo Vasquez hauls the right arm out, and puts it in the arm grapevine after all. Jeff Wright's in pain... but he's not that far from the ropes either. Lorenzo has to break the hold, and of course he immediately clobbers Jeff Wright after releasing it at the four-count. Inverted atomic drop from Vasquez, and Jeff Wright is still on his feet, but Lorenzo Vasquez changes that by hauling him into a vertical suplex. Lorenzo Vasquez goes for the cover, Jerry Rogers is there...
ONE!!
TWO!!
And only two, as Jeff Wright kicks out. You're not going to beat anybody with a vertical suplex, but that doesn't stop Lorenzo from arguing the count. Looking a little angrier now, Lorenzo Vasquez takes out some pent-up stress on Jeff Wright's arm, holding it down on the mat while he drops his knees onto it a couple times, and Jeff Wright screams in agony. Jeff Wright starts to get up, but Vasquez still has his arm, wrenching and twisting at it. Jeff Wright's in pain... but he still has another arm, and that one pops Lorenzo in the mouth with a rather weak punch. Lorenzo Vasquez tries to return with one of his own, but no, Jeff ducks, then pops up and snaps a dropkick into his chest again. Lorenzo's back up, and he runs into the ropes, ducks a Jeff Wright clothesline, and runs into a Jeff Wright's grasp, getting dropped across the top rope in a Hotshot. Lorenzo is back up as Jeff Wright shakes out the arm, but he can't mount any offense before getting a swift kick to the gut. Jeff Wright picks him up... there's a backbreaker, and a cover to follow it up, as Jerry Rogers comes in...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Kickout at two by Vasquez, but Jeff Wright seems like he expected it. Lorenzo gets whipped to the turnbuckle here again and staggers out, favoring his back, so Jeff Wright whips him back in. When Lorenzo staggers out yet again he gets whipped back in again, as Jeff Wright does his damndest to make him stay there. This time, he does, but when Jeff Wright charges in, he gets a foot up, and Jeff takes it right in the face. He turns around, doubling over and checking his nose, putting himself in perfect position for Lorenzo Vasquez to run up and nail him with a bulldog, and it's a real one done from a headlock, not a hand on the back of the head. Jeff is down, and Lorenzo Vasquez goes back to the arm, wrenching, twisting, and pulling on it, before finally deciding on a hammerlock. Jeff Wright is down and hurting, but he's also pretty close to the ropes, and gets to them. Jerry Rogers calls for the break, and Lorenzo breaks at the four-count again.
Now it's Jeff Wright's turn to take a whip into the turnbuckle, and he does, but unlike Lorenzo he graciously hangs there instead of coming out. Lorenzo comes over and starts laying in the chops to his chest, getting some Ric Flair noises from the crowd. He lays off Jeff Wright long enough to yell "FLAIR SUCKS!" at the crowd, getting a smattering of boos, before he drills Jeff Wright with a few more right hands. He grabs Jeff by the arm and pulls him out of the corner, but instead of whipping him to the other corner, he starts wringing out the arm again. This time, rather than go for the ropes or a counter, Jeff Wright hits him with an eye gouge, then runs into the ropes and drills him with with a clothesline... but it was with the hurt arm, and Jeff Wright's in a bad way now. If it wasn't for Lorenzo spitting in Jeff's face then turning his back, this would take the award for "Dumbest Move of the Match." Jeff shakes off the pain, and takes a swing at Lorenzo Vasquez, but Vasquez catches his arm, and surprisingly opts for a backslide instead of any number of arm-related maneuvers. Jeff's shoulders are down, and here comes Jerry...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Kickout at two! Lorenzo doesn't seem to like that much either, and grabs the arm again, then puts it behind his back and drills him with an old-fashioned Anderson hammerlock bodyslam. Jeff Wright's down and in a world of pain, and Lorenzo Vasquez is going to the top turnbuckle. He perches up there, waiting for Jeff Wright to get up... then blasts him with a flying dropkick! Jeff Wright goes down in a heap, and Lorenzo climbs to the second turnbuckle, showboating for the crowd, getting a round of boos. Jeff Wright gets up, a little wobbly, and Lorenzo carelessly charges him. Jeff Wright ducks a clothesline, and goes for the dropkick when Lorenzo bounces off the ropes again, but this time he sees it coming and hangs onto the ropes, allowing Jeff Wright to fall flat on his face. Lorenzo immediately capitalizes this time with a short arm scissors, and "Lightning Foot" Jerry Flynn must be proud somewhere... or maybe not, as Jeff Wright reaches the ropes, but after a good twenty seconds or so. I don't think his arm's feeling so good.
Lorenzo takes this opportunity to pound on him with a few punches and chops as he gets up, then whips him into the ropes. Jeff Wright ducks a clothesline... Lorenzo Vasquez ducks another one... but he doesn't duck the cross bodypress that Jeff Wright nails him with a second later. Lorenzo goes down in a heap; Jeff Wright is on top of him, and Jerry Rogers is positioned for the count...
ONE!
TWO!!
Kickout at two by Lorenzo Vasquez. Jeff Wright gets up, still favoring the arm, but manages to whip Lorenzo into the ropes, and catches him with a harsh-looking tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Lorenzo looks like he bent at an unhealthy angle, as Jeff Wright goes for the pin again...
ONE!!
TWO!!
No!! Kickout at two and a half! Lorenzo's back up, but he's going back-first into the turnbuckle again, and Jeff Wright's going up top to administer ten punches, seemingly forgetting that his arm's sore as he hammers away at his skull. Lorenzo starts to stagger out of the corner again, but Jeff Wright's already established that he doesn't like that, and this time he picks Lorenzo up and sets him on the top turnbuckle, then goes up after him. He hesitates for a brief second, then brings him crashing to the mat with a superplex! That draws a loud pop from the crowd, and Ear-Splitting Shriek #1 from Rebecca, as Jeff Wright rolls over for the pin.
ONE!!
TWO!!
He still can't get him, as Lorenzo kicks out at two and a half!! Jeff Wright's bad arm seems to be feeling mighty fine as he uses it to pound on the back of Lorenzo Vasquez, prior to whipping him into the ropes. Lorenzo comes off the ropes into a spinebuster, and once again Jerry Rogers is there to count.
ONE!!
TWO!!
Kickout yet again, a little past two and a half. Jeff Wright runs into the ropes, then nails Lorenzo with a swinging neckbreaker as he gets up. Lorenzo is down, and Jeff Wright heads to the top turnbuckle, coming off to hit Lorenzo Vasquez with a flying axhandle as he stands up! Lorenzo goes down in a heap, and Jeff Wright goes down for the cover...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Another kickout, but Lorenzo seems to be losing steam. Jeff Wright clobbers him in the back a few more times, and I think it's official; his arm has made a miraculous recovery. Lorenzo takes a whip into the ropes, and Jeff Wright drives him into the mat with a powerslam! But instead of going for the cover, Jeff Wright gets up, hauling Lorenzo Vasquez to his feet as well. Standing headscissors... the arms are hooked, and here comes the Tiger Driver! Rebecca's screaming bloody murder!! Here comes... no, wait, Jeff Wright's arm gave out! He didn't get Lorenzo up!! Lorenzo Vasquez with a backdrop! The Tiger Driver has been countered!
Jeff Wright's back to his feet. Lorenzo throws a punch, Jeff Wright blocks it! Jeff Wright returns with a punch of his own... wait, Lorenzo catches the fist! He kicks him in the midsection, grabs the arm... armbar takedown! Jeff's on the mat, and Lorenzo keeps pulling on it! Armbar submission!! Jeff Wright's in no-man's land!! He's reaching for the ropes... reaching... reaching... and he TAPS OUT!! IT'S OVER!! "Kiss My Ass" by Ted Nugent begins playing again, and Rebecca Black joins Lorenzo in the ring, kicking the fallen Jeff Wright a few times, then throwing herself on Lorenzo for a steamy make-out session. Lorenzo Vasquez's earlier statement turned out to be prophetic, and the crowd isn't happy with it. This was a relatively unremarkable match, but for all that Lorenzo ruined it a little by pointing out that he was going to win prematurely, he wrestled pretty well in addition. Some ringside people are out, checking on Jeff Wright's arm (don't worry, he already made one miraculous recovery), and telling Rebecca Black and Lorenzo Vasquez to get a room.
Lorenzo
Vasquez made Jeff Wright submit to the Barcelona Armbar in
0:14:28.
Rating: ** 1/4
It was a decent way to open the show. Lorenzo shows potential, despite his wierdness, and Jeff Wright put on a good show even with his annoying little quirks and weaknesses. And let's not forget that our sweet little vulgar and undisciplined Rebecca is back, which is seldom a bad thing unless she's wrestling. I'd say that... well, whatever I was going to say, I just forgot it, because "Highway To Hell" by AC/DC just started playing, and here comes Dick Douglas. He looks awfully confident for a man who's going to step in the ring with Tattoo in a few minutes. He's got a microphone...
D. Douglas: Tattoo, get your big ass out here, because I'm about to fuck you up, boy!!
Short and to the point. Dick Douglas drops the microphone and waits, as "I Fought The Law" by Mike Ness begins playing, and Tattoo walks out of the backstage area, looking focused and ready to kill. Dick Douglas's face says it all: Lord, what have I gotten myself into? Tattoo hits the ring, and the match is on!
Dick Douglas
vs.
Tattoo
Dick Douglas is keeping his distance from Tattoo, eyeing him cautiously, while Tattoo is swaggering forward without a care in the world. Tattoo closes in, and Dick Douglas connects with a swift kick to the knee, then another one, and another one! He's trying to take the legs out from under Tattoo, and if there's any strategy he can use to achieve success, it's that one, but he needs to make sure he doesn't get caught by Tattoo. Oops, it's a little too late for that now... Tattoo just grabbed him. Dick Douglas gets whipped into the ropes... and holy crap, that shoulderblock from Tattoo just knocked him halfway across the ring! It was like Dick Douglas got hit by a car!
Dick Douglas scrambling to his feet, now, but a big, clubbing forearm from Tattoo sends him back down. Dick Douglas goes up... HIGH above Tattoo's head in a Gorilla Press... he's just hovering up there with that priceless look of panic on his face... and down he goes, crashing into the mat! Tattoo is just mauling him. Dick Douglas back up... a headbutt from Tattoo, and he's back down again! Tattoo just pulled him back to his feet! Bodyslam by Tattoo! And here's an elbowdrop! Tattoo with the massive elbowdrop, and now he's going for the cover! James Applebee is in position!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THR... NO! Not yet! Dick Douglas rolled a shoulder up! It almost makes you wonder, why won't he just stay down and get this beating over with! Tattoo picks him up again, into a front facelock... could be a DDT, could be the setup for the Jackhammer... but NO, instead it's a low blow from Dick Douglas! Tattoo is doubled over! Dick Douglas runs into the ropes, and nails Tattoo with a running elbow to the head! Dick Douglas hits the ropes again, and nails Tattoo with a second running elbow! He hits the ropes one more time... and connects with a leaping clothesline! Tattoo is down! Dick Douglas just knocked Tattoo off of his feet!
Dick Douglas applies a leg grapevine, trying to take advantage of his earlier kicks to the knee. Unfortunately, it's just not happening, as Tattoo reaches out with one of his long arms and grabs the ropes. Dick Douglas goes up top... and comes off to nail Tattoo with a flying axhandle. Tattoo is groggy, and Dick Douglas manages to pull him down into a small package! James Applebee with the count!
ONE!!
TWO!!
No, kickout at two, and Tattoo still has a lot left. Dick Douglas is in for a rough night if he wants to beat Tattoo into submission here. Dick Douglas goes up... going for another flying axhandle, perhaps... and WAIT! Tattoo caught him! Tattoo caught him out of mid-air by the throat! Chokeslam! Chokeslam by Tattoo, and Dick Douglas is laid out! Tattoo could probably get the pin right now, but instead, he prepares for a power bomb. Standing headscissors... Dick Douglas slumps over, and Tattoo just stands there, smiling down at him like a cat at a baby bird. He's in control, but he's wasting time, as he picks him up for the power bomb again, hoists him high into the air, he's gonna do this one Undertaker-style... HARLEYCANRANA!! Dick Douglas just countered the power bomb with the Harleycanrana! That's his move! Tattoo is down! Dick Douglas covers, James Applebee counts, and we could have a huge upset here!
ONE!!
TWO!!
Kickout WITH AUTHORITY at two!! Tattoo is shaking it off! He's getting back to his feet, and he's not happy. Dick Douglas goes up to the top turnbuckle... maybe another flying axhandle... NO! Tattoo just tackled him out of mid-air, and now he's beating the hell out of him with ham-sized right hands! Dick Douglas goes up... and DOWN in a chokeslam! Wait, Dick Douglas goes up again... vertical suplex position, he lifts him up... JACKHAMMER! Tattoo with the Jackhammer on Dick Douglas! He covers!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!! You could have counted to fifty. Dick Douglas is out colder than a block of ice, and Tattoo is your winner! Mike Ness's surfer dude-like cover of "I Fought The Law" is playing, Tattoo is victorious in the ring, Dick Douglas needs an ambulance, and this match is over! Maybe now Dick Douglas will learn to keep his mouth shut. Maybe not, because this damn sure isn't the first time he's written a check with his mouth that's bounced when his ass had to cash it. Tattoo clears out of the ring as the trainers play Weekend At Bernie's by pretending that the corpse of Dick Douglas can still walk and trying to help him backstage.
Tattoo
pinned Dick Douglas with the Jackhammer in 0:04:07.
Rating: -*
It's fun to see Dick Douglas get what he deserves, but that wasn't exactly a great match from an aesthetic viewpoint. This next one probably won't be either, as "Gor-Gor" by GWAR begins pounding over the arena sound system, and Stormy Weathers leads Jorge Gonzalez and Ron Reese to the ring. And I know this is old news, but HOLY SHIT Jorge Gonzalez is big. Seven foot five doesn't sound SO impressive... until you consider that even Paul Wight is just seven foot one legit. Ron Reese, also seven foot one, is no small man himself.
Thank God, no live microphone for Stormy tonight. "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath plays over the arena sound system, and the fans blow the roof off the place as Devaccio Pola and Salvaje Demonio come on out. Devaccio Pola is one of those rare wrestlers who has something to offer everybody; the die-hards like him because he's a great worker, and the casuals like him because of his bloodthirsty promos and great brawls. We're getting straight to the match, folks...
Big Trouble
w/Stormy Weathers
vs.
Devaccio Pola/Salvaje Demonio
Oh, and you just KNEW it had to begin with Devaccio Pola demanding Jorge Gonzalez in the middle of the ring. For all that Devaccio Pola has some great, stiff kicks, stellar wrestling ability, and the ability to hold his own in brawls with larger men, there's something to be said for being a foot and a half taller than your opponent, and more than twice his weight. Devaccio Pola starts drilling those big, skinny legs of Jorge Gonzalez with stiff kicks... no doubt he'd love to get him down and slap on the scorpion deathlock, but I just don't see it happening. Jorge Gonzalez wobbles and goes down to one knee, but Devaccio Pola gets too close, and there's a clubbing forearm smash that knocks him into next week.
Jorge takes control, throwing him into the corner, then proceeds to lay in some of the weakest-looking chops known to man. Come on, for God's sake... you're seven and a half feet tall, put some muscle into it! As can be expected, Devaccio Pola's not selling any of that crap, and he comes right out with some chops of his own, showing the big oaf how it's done. Jorge Gonzalez is wearing a shirt, but I bet he's getting some world-class welts under there. Finally, Jorge Gonzalez gets tired of the abuse and flattens Pola with a headbutt.
Tag made to Ron Reese, and Jorge Gonzalez is kind enough to bodyslam Devaccio Pola so his partner can stomp on in and hit him with an elbowdrop. Ron Reese puts a chokehold on, and Linda Peterson counts to five (pretty impressive for her), then orders a release immediately. Ron Reese complies, but stays on the offense with some heavy stomps and kicks. Devaccio Pola gets whipped into the ropes... ducks a clothesline, and counters with... a Lou Thesz press? Of course, Ron Reese catches him like a basketball, and immediately locks on a bearhug. Yeah, that was real smart. Or was it? Wait, Devaccio Pola is pounding the crap out of Ron Reese's face, even in the bearhug! Now he... good God, he's gnawing on his face! Ron Reese is bleeding! Devaccio Pola just chewed a bloody hole in Ron Reese's face! Ron Reese lets him go, checking himself for the blood... and Devaccio Pola leaps up and nails him in the face with a stiff kick!! Unbelievable!
Unfortunately, though the kick knocked Ron Reese down, it seemed to take everything Devaccio Pola had. Suffering from the bearhug and the offense of the two larger, more powerful men, it's a struggle for him to make it to his corner and tag in Salvaje Demonio. Demonio wastes no time in climbing to the turnbuckle, and just as Ron Reese gains his bearings again, Salvaje Demonio jumps and nails him with a flying dropkick. Ron Reese staggers back, and falls right on his butt, landing in a sitting position in the ring, which Salvage Demonio uses to his advantage by bouncing off the ropes and nailing him with a dropkick right in the bloody face! Ron Reese is a bloody mess on the mat thanks to Salvaje Demonio and Salvaje Demonio, and Salvaje Demonio isn't done yet! He goes up... could be... it is! The Swandive Headbutt! Did this just win the match! Have Salvaje Demonio and Devaccio Pola defied the odds and beaten two men twice their size!? Linda Peterson counts...
ONE!!
TWO!! Jorge Gonzalez is in!
THR... NO! Jorge Gonzalez breaks up the pin by hurling Salvaje Demonio across the ring! Jorge leaves the ring, and Ron Reese tags out to him, and here comes one big, angry man as Salvaje Demonio gets up. Salvaje Demonio chops and strikes at Jorge Gonzalez, no doubt aggravating the damage done by Devaccio Pola's earlier work, but Jorge Gonzalez just absorbs it all and clobbers him with a massive right hand. Salvaje Demonio slumps in the corner, and Jorge Gonzalez pauses for a moment to bask in his glory, before whipping Salvaje Demonio to the other corner. He charges in... Salvaje Demonio has to move out of the w... NO! Salvaje Demonio was just crushed between the massive frame of Jorge Gonzalez and the turnbuckles! This has to be it! He topples out of the corner like a wilted plant... Jorge Gonzalez laughs, looking down at the feeble, crumpled husk at his feet, then puts a foot on his chest. It's all over from here...
ONE!!
TWO!! But what the hell is Devaccio Pola doing!? He's going up top!!
THR... wait, Devaccio Pola just dropkicked him off the top turnbuckle! Devaccio Pola broke the pin with a dropkick off the top turnbuckle, and now he's taking Jorge Gonzalez apart with kicks and chops! Jorge Gonzalez is on one knee! Jorge Gonzalez is going down! Devaccio Pola isn't the legal man, but I don't think he cares! Devaccio Pola steps back... you can see him prepare to deliver the coup de grace right to the side of Jorge's head... no! Reese comes in from behind and nails him! Ron Reese takes Devaccio Pola down with a massive forearm! Linda Peterson orders Reese and Pola out of the ring, as Jorge Gonzalez shakes off the punishment he's taken and puts a foot on Salvaje Demonio's chest again. Linda Peterson's ready to count...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Foot on the ropes! Salvaje Demonio just put his foot on the ropes! Jorge Gonzalez is outraged! He picks up Salvaje Demonio... puts on the clawhold, and here comes the Clawslam. If he hits this, it's OVER. He goes for the pickup... Salvaje Demonio just booted him right in the groin! Jorge Gonzalez doubles over, Salvaje Demonio crawls to make the tag, and here comes Devaccio Pola! Devaccio Pola is whaling away on Jorge Gonzalez with stiff kicks and chops, but Jorge Gonzalez is absorbing them. Devaccio Pola off the ropes... spinning leg lariat, and Jorge Gonzalez is staggered! Devaccio Pola steps out to the apron, and here's a springboard spinning leg lariat! Jorge Gonzalez goes down! Devaccio Pola just cut Jorge Gonzalez down to size! But it might not be long, as here Jorge gets back up... but Devaccio Pola is measuring him... GUILLOTINE KICK!! Devaccio Pola just hit the Guillotine Kick on Jorge Gonzalez! He goes for the cover!
ONE!! In comes Ron Reese! He's going to try to break it up!
TWO!! Salvaje Demonio comes flying off the top turnbuckle to catch Ron Reese in the face with a flying elbowsmash! Reese falls back on the ropes! Devaccio Pola could have it!!
THR... Stormy Weathers just put Jorge Gonzalez's foot on the ropes! Linda Peterson didn't see it, though she sees the foot now, but Devaccio Pola just saw Stormy do it! Devaccio Pola gets up... running tope con hilo on Stormy Weathers! Devaccio Pola just leaped onto Stormy Weathers on the outside, and he's beating the hell out of him out there right now! Meanwhile, in the ring, Reese charges Salvaje Demonio! Salvaje Demonio ducks a clothesline, then pops up and hits Reese with a flying shoulderblock! Salvaje Demonio richochets off of Reese's massive chest like a ping pong ball hitting a brick wall, but Reese wobbles, trying to regain his balance... and down he goes! Reese is down, and he's rolling out of the ring!
Speaking of out of the ring, Stormy is out cold... and Devaccio Pola has a chair! Reese sees him... and Devaccio Pola just blasted Reese with the chair! Reese collapses against the safety rail! Devaccio Pola climbs to the top turnbuckle... Jorge Gonzalez gets up, but he's too groggy to see what's going on... and Devaccio Pola jumps off and NAILS him with a top-rope chairshot!! Jorge Gonzalez is LAID OUT, and Linda Peterson's calling for the DQ... you simply do not enter the ring with a chair and nearly murder one of your opponents and all... but Ron Reese, Jorge Gonzalez, and Stormy Weathers are all flattened like pancakes in and around the ring. The talent of Devaccio Pola and Salvaje Demonio couldn't drag this match out of the gutter from a wrestling standpoint, but one thing that was demonstrated is the fact that Devaccio Pola really can beat the crap out of ANYBODY, no matter what size they are.
Big Trouble defeated
Devaccio Pola and Salvaje Demonio when Gonzalez beat D. Pola via
disqualification in 0:08:45.
Rating: 1/2*
It takes a lot of trainers and ring aides to help Ron Reese and Jorge Gonzalez backstage, and it'll probably take a lot of asprin for them to subdue the pain they're no doubt in after what just happened. But it's a good thing they're out of the ring and out of our way, because right now "Star Cycle" by Jeff Beck just started playing, and here come Christina Ellis and Jasmina Chastity, both dressed to wrestle. For all that I respect talented women's competition, I have to say that seeing Christina Ellis naked would definitely make my day. She's got personality and talent, AND she's hot, certainly better than Jasmina Sleastity and her bloated silicone body.
Scissors on a Pole Match:
Christina Ellis/Jasmina Chastity
vs.
Jennie/Jessica Judd
Christina Ellis is starting out, and so's Jessica Judd. The two legitimate wrestlers here seem to want to have a showdown. Jessica with the go-behind, and she's going for the Final Chord already! Full nelson setup! No, wait, Christina Ellis just kicked off the turnbuckles, and fell back on her! Christina Ellis, still in a full nelson, has her pinned, shades of Austin-Hart, Survivor Series '96! Jerry Rogers makes the count!
ONE!!
TWO!!
Jessica Judd rolls out, but releases the full nelson in the process. Both women back up to a neutral base, and they lock up. Christina puts on a headlock, which Jessica promptly uses to send her into the ropes. Leapfrog by Jessica... no, it's countered into an inverted atomic drop! Jessica goes down, Christina grabs her legs... Boston crab, and Jerry Rogers is down, asking for the submission... wait, Jennie's in the ring! Jennie grabs Christina by the hair, and hits the Carpet Muncher before she can react! Jennie's out of the ring, Christina's down, and Jessica's free!
Jessica's up, a little slowly, and she makes the tag to Jennie, who immediately goes for the scissors. Jasmina Chastity is sweating bullets, and Christina is still down... no, she's back up, as Jennie climbs the pole... she's near the top... just about has the scissors... Christina Ellis from behind, full nelson... OH MY GOD, Christina Ellis just brought Jennie down from near the top of that pole with a top-rope Dragon Suplex! Jennie is DEAD, the crowd is chanting "HOLY SHIT!" and that little thing about Christina forcing women's wrestling down our throats until we like it may just happen. But she's not going for the pin! Christina's climbing the pole, going for the scissors, and there's no way in hell Jennie's even getting up, let alone coming up to stop her, but wait, Jessica Judd has the guitar and Christina Ellis just got hit with it!! Christina Ellis goes flying back off of the pole into the ring in a cloud of sawdust and debris, and now both women are laid out in the middle of the ring! Jerry Rogers starts a ten-count, and we may have a double KO on our hands... the count is on... seven, eight, nine, and here comes Christina Ellis. Christina Ellis is back up to one knee, holding her head, obviously still a little groggy from the guitar shot. Jennie is STILL down. Jerry Rogers is checking in with her... she may have a legit broken neck. Evidently not, as Christina exchanges a glance with Jerry Rogers, then tags in Jasmina.
Jasmina Chastity jiggles in, and any pretense of quality wrestling in this match just took a dive. Jessica Judd wants badly to get in, but Jerry Rogers is adamant in keeping her out, saying Jennie MUST make a tag. That's not going to happen; Jennie is still a lifeless corpse in the ring. Jasmina goes for the cover here...
ONE!!
TWO!!
Jessica Judd makes the save in the nick of time! Jerry Rogers
is threatening to disqualify her, but as of yet the match isn't
over. Jennie's still not moving, and Jasmina obviously strains to
haul her up, since she's basically dead weight. Jasmina with the
front facelock, it could be... yes, it's the Lewd
Spiritual Awakening, the official reason why the Rock executes
the second-worst neckbreaker in professional wrestling! Not that
it did much good, because Jennie was basically out to begin with,
and Jasmina's going for the scissors. There's no way in hell
Jennie will stop her now... wait, Jennie's body is lying closer
to her corner now, and Jessica Judd just realized that! Jessica
reaches out... she touched Jennie's hand! A tag is made!! Jessica
Judd is in, and she's right behind Jasmina Chastity! Jessica
slips in with her back to the turnbuckle, right under Jasmina as
she tries to climb the pole, and grabs her from below... Jessica
pulls her down onto her own shoulders, and much to the crowd's
delight her face is right between Jasmina's legs... power bomb by
Jessica Judd! Jasmina's down, and Jessica's going for the
scissors! Jasmina's crawling for the tag!
Tag made, and here comes Christina Ellis, but Jessica has the scissors! Christina Ellis is backing off... no, wait, she's running right at her! Jessica tries to slash her with the scissors, but Christina ducks under, Jessica turns around, and Christina goes for a punch, but Jessica blocks and nails her between the eyes with the handle of the scissors! Christina goes down, and Jessica's on top of her! Jessica draws back the scissors, blade end pointed down at Christina... this is about to get downright sick... and Jasmina just came in and caught her wrist in the nick of time! Jessica gets up, and she and Jasmina start playing tug-of-war with the scissors while Jerry Rogers does his impotent best to break it up, but Christina Ellis is getting back up behind her! Jasmina lets go, and Jessica staggers back into Christina Ellis! Christina Ellis with the full nelson from behind, and here's the DRAGON SUPLEX! Jerry Rogers with the count!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!! "Star Cycle" by Jeff Beck plays again, and Christina Ellis and Jasmina Chastity have won this match! Jennie is STILL an immobile heap, and Jessica isn't looking much better... and certainly won't now, as Christina picks her up, then folds her up with an additional Dragon Suplex just for fun. Come on now, that's just MEAN. Jennie and Jessica are both down, and Good Lord, Christina has the scissors. She's going over to Jennie... Jennie still isn't moving... and she turns Jennie over... with all of her talk about dignity for women's wrestling, would she really cut off Jennie's clothes? She just grabbed Jennie's ponytail... no, she wouldn't cut... SHE DID!! Jennie's hair is now at least eighteen inches shorter!! Christina Ellis just cut Jennie's hair... now she turns her over... and STUFFS THE HAIR DOWN INTO HER MOUTH!! The crowd's boos are deafening, and Christina Ellis is smiling! She grabs a microphone as the crowd breaks into a "YOU'RE A BITCH" chant of epic proportions.
C. Ellis: Just like I've said all along, I'm forcing legitimate women's wrestling down your throats until you like it. Jennie, if I haven't already ended your career, I'm asking for a shot at the VCW Women's Title. Just think of taking your hair as the first step... next it could be your title, or your career. It didn't have to be this way. You didn't have to cause lasting damage to our gender and this sport with this kind of bullshit. But since you're obviously a dumb slut who doesn't know any better, I have to do what I have to do to bring about a legitimate environment where women can compete in VCW. This time, I cut your hair... next time, I'll break your neck.
Scissors on a Pole
Match:
Christina Ellis and Jasmina Chastity defeated Jennie and Jessica
Judd when C. Ellis pinned J. Judd with the Dragon Suplex in
0:05:43.
Rating: * 1/2
Christina Ellis and Jasmina Chastity walk away, obviously very pleased with their actions, and the crowd is still livid. Trainers or out, and they're helping Jessica backstage... Jennie won't be leaving on her feet, though, as a stretcher comes out for her. We're going to need to take a brief pause as they get the ring cleared and tend to Jennie. So why don't you take a break? Relax, rest your eyes, stretch out, get something to eat, and join us for Part Two when you're ready!